With the recent surge in male cleansing products (i.e. Dude Wipes), Proctor & Gamble decided to deeply insert themselves into the game with their new Anal Sanitizing Scrub Brush (aka The A.S.S Brush). Combining the body and mechanics of their electric toothbrushes with a miniature version of a car wash brush for the head, they’ve created a tool that gets inserted into the anus to get all those hard to reach spots.
David S. Taylor, Proctor & Gamble’s President and CEO, is excited for his company’s new product. “We feel this product will revolutionize the posterior markets.”, Taylor said, “Like neanderthals, we have been using wads of paper to clean our backsides for years. And since nobody has yet to invent the ‘3 seashell’ idea seen in the Stallone movie, Demolition Man, we decided to be innovative and think out of the box. While this doesn’t eliminate the need for “wads of paper”, think of our new A.S.S brush as a compliment to toilet paper. We can reach where your fingers can’t.”
This writer decided to take it for a test drive. Here are the results:
After taking a particularly messy #2, I went through my normal routine and wiped and wiped until I couldn’t wipe anymore. I then took my new A.S.S. Brush and carefully inserted it into my anus. I pushed the conveniently located ON switch and gave it a shot. WOW! At first it tickles a little bit, but you quickly get used to it. The directions say to move your hand in a small circle motion with the brush to gently scrub the inner walls of your anus. The biggest and best surprise was that this brush also contained a mint-scented soap dispenser that acts both as a lubricant for insertion as well as a cleanser to erode the fecal matter stuck to my innards.
Let me tell you folks, this brush really does the job. I was disgusted by what came out, but pleased to know that the gunk that is now on the brush head was no longer inside me.
Proctor & Gamble makes a few different versions of the brush. The A.S.S. Brush Original contains 5 disposable and flushable multi-colored brush heads that come off with the push of a button. You can purchase brush refills in packs of 5 and 10. This seems excessive, but the directions recommend that you don’t use the brush more than once every 2 weeks. For the environmentally conscious market there is the A.S.S. Brush – GREEN that contains 3 machine washable heads that can be used for months at a time. Simply throw the brush in the laundry with your clothes and it can be reused up to 10 times.
Out the gate, this product will be heavily marketed to men between the ages of 18 – 65, but this product can be used by women and kids alike. In fact, the A.S.S. Brush – Pink (featuring a pink brush head) will be out later this month and rumor has it that P&G is close to signing a deal with Disney to add Marvel, Star Wars, and Disney characters to the brush for kids.
This product doesn’t stink! In fact, it’s the shit! (cue the sad rimshot)