Tiger Woods “Pulls Out” of Golf Tourney

Former golf superstar, Tiger Woods (41) pulled out of the Dubai Desert Classic on Friday. It is believed to be due to his nagging back problem.

His agent, Marty Steinberg, claims it was simply back spasms and not related to the back injuries he sustain a few years ago that caused him to have 2 back surgeries. He also claims it isn’t related to the massive amounts of sex he has with everything that has 3 holes and moves on 2 legs.                                     

Former golf cart attendant to the stars, Cynthia Formaggio (28) claims she thought she heard Woods fornicating in the multi-million dollar women’s restroom of the Emirates Golf Club the day before. “I know those stalls are much bigger than the stalls in your typical restroom,” Formaggio touts, “but sex in a bathroom is sex in a. bathroom…. ….uncomfortable!” Formaggio goes on to say she thinks he may have even received a ‘blumpkin’ (felatio during defecation on a toilet) from the willing female participant. “I saw a pair of ladies golf shoes coming out of the bottom of the stall door. I also heard a male voice softly say something along the lines of “Yes. More. I could never get Lindsey or Elin to do that. Yes.” I can only assume she was performing that stinky deed on him.” It didn’t look like Woods was going to make the cut anyway.

Off the record, Steinberg feels its time for Tiger to either hang it up and focus on his new goal of having more sex than Gene Simmons and Wilt Chamberlin or settled down, get his back in shape, and start the C-list celebrity tour of Dancing with the Stars or Celebrity Apprentice.

Tiger we await you next move….

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