Now that nothingRelevant.com has become one of the most popular websites on Al Gore’s World Wide Intraweb, we have been getting a TON of questions regarding the origins of our mascot, Gus the Magic Donkey.
After doing quite a bit of extensive research, interviewing, and a few things a grown man shouldn’t have to do to get information, I’ve compiled his story. Enjoy!
Gus: The Beginnings
Gus was born to an old Greek male donkey named Dimitri and a female horse from Southern Mexico named Esmeralda back in the year 2000.
Gus’ father, Dimitri was an old war donkey who carried cooked lamb hunks to the troops as they fought the Nazis in WWII. After the war, his owner took him to Mexico to help carry circus equipment off the boat, his owner was starting the Popopolopolous Flying Circus.
Attendance for the circus started slow, as the Mexican audience didn’t know what to think of the European circus act. Popularity picked up, however, as Dimitri became part of the show. People watched in amazement as Dimitri pulled a sled of 45 clowns around the big top and catapulted them–like a slingshot–into a pool of tzatziki Sauce. After one of the shows, Dimitri was helping pack up the equipment and met a beautiful mare named Esmeralda.
Esmeralda was a magician’s assistant. She too was part of the act. Her magician master made her disappear from the stage, only to have her re-appear from the back of the venue wearing a multi-colored tutu with a churro-throwing Mexican Santa Claus riding on her back.
Dimitri and Esmeralda fell in love immediately and got married. However, they grew tired of the celebrity lifestyle and all the paparazzi, so they decided to quit and move to America. Once they were settled in America, they had some hot donkey-on-horse love-making sessions and Esmeralda got pregnant. 11 months later….Gus was born.
Gus: Growing Up
Gus was a clumsy, but funny little colt. His parents loved him very much and saw that he was special. Gus’ father would spend all day with him, helping him to get strong. Each day, he learned to carry more and more weight. By age 3, he was as strong as an ox and it was time for him to find a job. But to Dimitri’s disappointment, Gus refused to work as a pack-mule. Gus had heard of his parent’s successful past and wanted to be famous too. His parents tried to warn him, not only of the dangers of being famous, but that being a ‘famous donkey’ in the 21st century was not very likely. But, Gus persisted.
Gus moved to L.A. and quickly realized the road to fame and fortune is filled with many obstacles, especially for a young, naive donkey. While busing tables at a restaurant called El Cholo on Western Ave, he was stopped by a movie producer who said he had the “right look” and asked him to star in his next film. Of course, Gus jumped at the chance. In fact, he was so excited he let out a loud bray and kicked back his legs, accidentally knocking over a waiter carrying a tray of chorizo enchiladas.
Gus: A Star is Born
When Gus arrived at the set, he realized why the producer had asked him to be in the movie. It was a pornographic film. Gus was ashamed, but decided to act in the film. (after all, he is hung like a mule!). Just to get by, Gus did several movies (Ass Backwards, Donkey Lovers 6, and Jackass: Wee-man Does a Donkey, just to name a few).
Gus got word that his father died. He heard rumors that he died from a heart attack after his father happened to catch Gus in the Christmas-themed porn, Mule Logs. Gus finally stopped with the smut and sought to seek a better career…in comedy.
He successfully navigated his way through the stand-up comic circuit. His mixture of slapstick humor and rare animal jokes made him an instant smash! However, after a few years, the jokes started to get old (much like Amy Schumer’s shtick). So he took a page from his mother’s past and incorporated some magic into his comedy act. It worked! He was even compared to The Amazing Jonathon, only Gus was funny!
A few years later, Al Gore approached Gus telling him that the Internet he spent so much time creating was starting to get stale and boring and asked for Gus’ help to bring it back to life.
Gus decided to head to the Midwest where he could focus on this important web initiative. He met some interesting characters (John Goode, The Old Man, Lame Guy, YoSamedy Spanks, and Dr. Honorious to name a few) and came up with the website nothingRelevant.com. Al Gore was happy as the Internet was saved! (Of course, the Internet was fine…it was just another lie created by Mr. Gore. He has since moved on to creating bigger inconvenient truths.
And there you have it. The rise of Gus the Magic Donkey.
Who knows what Gus will do next…continue to check out nothingRelevant.com to find out!